Friday, May 14, 2010

A New Beginning...or ending?

So, I'm going to graduate from seminary this Sunday. I will accept a diploma for a masters of divinity. I think it's a nice little accomplishment and for some reason, it feels a lot more like an accomplishment than any other graduation I've participated in.

When I graduated from high school, although I struggled at times with coursework that I found pointless and boring, it was always expected that graduating from high school was one step along the journey.

When I graduated from college, I had already put in my paperwork to enter seminary and once again, I knew it was an accomplishment, but it was another step along my arduous journey of education.

But here I am about to accept hopefully the final degree in my life (I'm serious, I don't want any more degrees. Ever.). It's a strange feeling of completeness, culmination, and confusion.

At a senior dinner last night, I was faced with that annoying question that every graduate gets "so what's next?" but this time it was different. I had no real answer. I have no real answer. My educational trajectory is over and I feel like a fish out of water. Most of my classmates in seminary know that they are going to become pastors in the next few months, but I am not. I'm not even entirely sure what or where I want to be. I am the kind of person that is planned and scheduled down to the last second of my day, so this aimlessness is generally way outside of my comfort zone (this is an understatement. Last time I felt like this I was balled up on the floor crying for two days straight. My college friends will remember this.).

But I'm strangely at peace. I'm strangely comforted by the fact that I have endless opportunities in front of me. I'm also comforted by the fact that for the first time in my life I feel like I'm following what I know I should be doing, not what others tell me I should be doing. Not to get all "God-y" but I also feel like I'm allowing myself to listen to exactly where God is calling me. As I watch the faces of those who ask "What's next?" turn a little concerned and filled with pity when I answer "I don't know" with a smile, I can't help but laugh inside. These wonderfully caring people seek to offer answers and suggestions, but I'm looking for answers elsewhere. I'm listening to what feels right and what gives me joy, and unfortunately, very few people can answer that for me.

So, I'm at a crossroads. I'm concerned about all the things that other graduates are concerned with: employment, housing, relationship decisions, money, student loans, location, etc. But I'm also on the path that I know I'm supposed to be on. We'll see what happens next.

Stay tuned!

1 comments:

Emily said...

Eloquent, delightful, witty, determined, intelligent, fantasic, lovely, thoughtful: you are a lady of a million wonderful adjectives. Wherever the journey might lead, you are sure to continue brightening the world. Congrats, Ms. Masters of Divinity. You are truly divine. :)

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